There were a time when I get excited to cook and bake and eat. But it is not the case now, I dread cooking now, I don’t want to cook, I feel like I am cooking the same things again and again and I just don’t want to cook. And I don’t feel good about it, cooking and eating was such a big part of me and I feel that something is wrong with me when I lose passion for cooking. But still I cook, I cook, but I just don’t want to do it.
When I am reading back on my posts, I realized that stress has always been a problem of mine. Self love, self care is lacking. I admit I have always been a stressful person, I get pressure really easily, maybe not even from an outside source, I just put pressure on myself all the time, and I have a general level of stress for normal days without anything significant to worry about. But I think this year my stress level has been pretty bad. I am about to graduate, what do I do with my degree? We have been trying to conceive, but when is that day finally gonna come? I started teaching group fitness classes, I thought you always want to be a fitness instructor, but why you are more stressed and nervous than happy when you teach? So does it mean that I have one less career path? Why do I keep having nightmares and bad dreams? How can I feel good about starting a day when I dreamed I am late for exam, forgot lyrics before going on stage, or being shot by some mysterious man? What does these dreams mean? What about dreams that I am in a sexual context? How should I feel about those? I am confused and helpless.
It started around Christmas time 2016, I kept having bad dreams and nightmares, I feel unsure about me teaching fitness classes, will I be the best instructor? Will I have students that want to come every week to my class? Can I teach dance? I love dance but I don’t have any background like other instructors do. Shall I take the challenge head on or shall I just chill and be easy on myself? What shall I talk about before class today? I want it to be inspirational and fun. I want people to learn things or be happy from my talk. Shall I cover for others’ class just because it will be thought highly of by the coordinator? Shall I go to her classes because she will be gone soon and I shall show my respect and love?
We are TTC, and it has been 5 months without results, it’s funny how before whenever I got my period I am like Horray! and now when I get my period, I am like, Are you for real? I have done everything I can and still no baby? It is hard when I like the kids so much but at the same time afraid that people would start questioning when would you have a baby? You should have a baby too! I thought you have been trying, still no result? You should relax and it will come. Relax is not something that I am good at. And now, I am like, OK, let’s just take it easy and for real, just let it go, no counting the ovulation days, no measuring body temperature every day first thing in the morning. No planning and just let it be. It doesn’t help when my mom keeps sending me pictures and videos of little babies every now and then. Although it doesn’t seem too big of a deal at the beginning, I think it could be adding up to my mental stress. Maybe I shouldn’t have told them that we are trying from the beginning. Just let everything be a surprise. No stress and all.
2017 is slipping by so fast I can’t even believe it. I am much better with food now, no fuss, no stress, and I am pretty happy where I am right now. Speaking of which, the eating disorder started in my college years, now it is finally under control.
I went to the counseling center yesterday, I was talking to the counselor what are on my mind. I burst out crying in the middle of nowhere. surprised me. I am always quite composed when I go to counseling sessions, sometimes burst out crying after the session, but never during a session, and with a new counselor? That’s pretty new, oh boy was I holding a lot in. I feel like after I stated my problem, the counselor was trying to convince me that it is a better option for me to go to counseling somewhere else, since the model here at the university counseling center is ‘quick’, I will be better off and taken care of with some specialist that can meet with me every week. I feel like the counselor is definitely doing this a lot to others coz I feel like some of the things that she was trying to use as pros doesn’t really work for me. And I also feel like she was trying to convince me that I am bipolar. I was diagnosed with bipolar earlier in 2012, but the whole time I was thinking to myself, that was just an accident, I am not bipolar and this diagnose is just ridiculous. But I think she made one point pretty clear to me that once diagnosed with bipolar, you are pretty much bipolar your whole life, but with therapy and medication it could get better. At first I was a little shocked with the fact that I could have a mental disease, but then actually a little released that this is actually a disease and not so much my own fault or something. I felt like she was really trying to label me with bipolar, repeating that terms so many times without hesitating to directly acknowledging that I am a bipolar patient. It is not “If I have bipolar”, it is “you have bipolar and … is best for you.” She asked whether I am open to medication, I said yes although my instinct is no. I am pretty clear that I will only take parts of what she is saying and have my own judgement too. And I feel kind of released after I left the counseling center, I feel like I always have this kind of feeling when I am diagnosed with something, instead of feeling bad or sad or unhappy, I instead would feel kind of released, kind of like, OK, I am sick, I have a serious medical or mental condition, so somebody please take care of me. I was googling bipolar online, and hearing people talk about their own conditions, I know I am not as serious as some of them. But still I do need to take my mental condition seriously. I always just blame it on myself for feeling lonely, sad, stressed, depressed. I always think it is my own problem and my own fault that under perfectly good environment I would still feel crappy. But what if my genes were to blame, what if my neuronal structures in my brain were to blame. I could be just a victim instead of the criminal.
Time kind of stopped and slow after I went out from the counseling center, I did some experiments and then waited to go home. I told what happened at the counseling center to JB and waited for comforting words. But he didn’t know better. He didn’t comfort me at all, and of course I cried.
Growing is really painful, good memories about the old days is always so great to even just savor for a second. I am not sure where this is going.