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Bipolar yeah?

There were a time when I get excited to cook and bake and eat. But it is not the case now, I dread cooking now, I don’t want to cook, I feel like I am cooking the same things again and again and I just don’t want to cook. And I don’t feel good about it, cooking and eating was such a big part of me and I feel that something is wrong with me when I lose passion for cooking. But still I cook, I cook, but I just don’t want to do it.

When I am reading back on my posts, I realized that stress has always been a problem of mine. Self love, self care is lacking. I admit I have always been a stressful person, I get pressure really easily, maybe not even from an outside source, I just put pressure on myself all the time, and I have a general level of stress for normal days without anything significant to worry about. But I think this year my stress level has been pretty bad. I am about to graduate, what do I do with my degree? We have been trying to conceive, but when is that day finally gonna come? I started teaching group fitness classes, I thought you always want to be a fitness instructor, but why you are more stressed and nervous than happy when you teach? So does it mean that I have one less career path? Why do I keep having nightmares and bad dreams? How can I feel good about starting a day when I dreamed I am late for exam, forgot lyrics before going on stage, or being shot by some mysterious man? What does these dreams mean? What about dreams that I am in a sexual context? How should I feel about those? I am confused and helpless.

It started around Christmas time 2016, I kept having bad dreams and nightmares, I feel unsure about me teaching fitness classes, will I be the best instructor? Will I have students that want to come every week to my class? Can I teach dance? I love dance but I don’t have any background like other instructors do. Shall I take the challenge head on or shall I just chill and be easy on myself? What shall I talk about before class today? I want it to be inspirational and fun. I want people to learn things or be happy from my talk. Shall I cover for others’ class just because it will be thought highly of by the coordinator? Shall I go to her classes because she will be gone soon and I shall show my respect and love?

We are TTC, and it has been 5 months without results, it’s funny how before whenever I got my period I am like Horray! and now when I get my period, I am like, Are you for real? I have done everything I can and still no baby? It is hard when I like the kids so much but at the same time afraid that people would start questioning when would you have a baby? You should have a baby too! I thought you have been trying, still no result? You should relax and it will come. Relax is not something that I am good at. And now, I am like, OK, let’s just take it easy and for real, just let it go, no counting the ovulation days, no measuring body temperature every day first thing in the morning. No planning and just let it be. It doesn’t help when my mom keeps sending me pictures and videos of little babies every now and then. Although it doesn’t seem too big of a deal at the beginning, I think it could be adding up to my mental stress. Maybe I shouldn’t have told them that we are trying from the beginning. Just let everything be a surprise. No stress and all.

2017 is slipping by so fast I can’t even believe it. I am much better with food now, no fuss, no stress, and I am pretty happy where I am right now. Speaking of which, the eating disorder started in my college years, now it is finally under control.

I went to the counseling center yesterday, I was talking to the counselor what are on my mind. I burst out crying in the middle of nowhere. surprised me. I am always quite composed when I go to counseling sessions, sometimes burst out crying after the session, but never during a session, and with a new counselor? That’s pretty new, oh boy was I holding a lot in. I feel like after I stated my problem, the counselor was trying to convince me that it is a better option for me to go to counseling somewhere else, since the model here at the university counseling center is ‘quick’, I will be better off and taken care of with some specialist that can meet with me every week. I feel like the counselor is definitely doing this a lot to others coz I feel like some of the things that she was trying to use as pros doesn’t really work for me. And I also feel like she was trying to convince me that I am bipolar. I was diagnosed with bipolar earlier in 2012, but the whole time I was thinking to myself, that was just an accident, I am not bipolar and this diagnose is just ridiculous. But I think she made one point pretty clear to me that once diagnosed with bipolar, you are pretty much bipolar your whole life, but with therapy and medication it could get better. At first I was a little shocked with the fact that I could have a mental disease, but then actually a little released that this is actually a disease and not so much my own fault or something. I felt like she was really trying to label me with bipolar, repeating that terms so many times without hesitating to directly acknowledging that I am a bipolar patient. It is not “If I have bipolar”, it is “you have bipolar and … is best for you.” She asked whether I am open to medication, I said yes although my instinct is no. I am pretty clear that I will only take parts of what she is saying and have my own judgement too. And I feel kind of released after I left the counseling center, I feel like I always have this kind of feeling when I am diagnosed with something, instead of feeling bad or sad or unhappy, I instead would feel kind of released, kind of like, OK, I am sick, I have a serious medical or mental condition, so somebody please take care of me. I was googling bipolar online, and hearing people talk about their own conditions, I know I am not as serious as some of them. But still I do need to take my mental condition seriously. I always just blame it on myself for feeling lonely, sad, stressed, depressed. I always think it is my own problem and my own fault that under perfectly good environment I would still feel crappy. But what if my genes were to blame, what if my neuronal structures in my brain were to blame. I could be just a victim instead of the criminal.

Time kind of stopped and slow after I went out from the counseling center, I did some experiments and then waited to go home. I told what happened at the counseling center to JB and waited for comforting words. But he didn’t know better. He didn’t comfort me at all, and of course I cried.

Growing is really painful, good memories about the old days is always so great to even just savor for a second. I am not sure where this is going.

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My eating lately

Recently there have been some changes to my eating choices. For one, I started eating pizza. I remembered early in 2013 I was really restricting my food intake and I would crave pizza so much, then I stopped restricting myself and I never crave pizza again. And then I was vegan for about a year and a half, during that time I never had pizza, I remembered several occasions there is pizza in front of me but I just don’t want to eat it, it feels really greasy and I felt like I wouldn’t enjoy it. Then a few days ago, I was babysitting for my advisor, he had ordered pizza for us. I started to know that the little boy really like pizza, and they would have pizza about once a week. At that point, I haven’t had pizza for a long long time, and I don’t crave that at all. But the day before I went to their house, I was actually quite anticipating it. Not so much about the pizza, but the atmosphere of me eating a pizza with the kids of my advisor casually. It just feels really relaxed and chilled and fun. And that day I had 4 slices, didn’t exactly feel that it was the best thing in the world, but still quite a fun experience eating take out with kids.

Then came the app that I have on my phone, pocket points, you gain points by not using your phone when you are at school. I had so many points. And I get coupons of free 3 cheezer bread from Hungry Howie. Then it somehow became a weekly thing. And I kind of didn’t feel bad about it. Plus, the pizza lady was so nice to me every time when I was there. It was not so much the pizza, but the fact that Oh I am taking out pizza and that’s so fun! type of thing.

Similar situation with chips, I actually started eating some potato chips, which I think I haven’t had for years. For the longest time, it was just so out of the equation, that I didn’t think I would enjoy it.

Then the other day I had some chocolate chip cookie, which again, I haven’t had for long time, coz I was thinking it’s just bunch of sugar, how good is that gonna taste. Boy was I wrong, it was just the kind of warming feeling that I get, not so much the cookie itself.

So at first, I was feeling like this looks kind of like a slack. But then I start to think, when I was really small, I had these things, I had ice cream a lot, I had chips sometimes, those things somehow became labeled “unhealthy” later in life. And I start to realize that it might be a little unhealthy if I keep it too healthy too clean. Why not free all the labeling and just enjoy what I want for once.

Sometimes when I get insecure about my body, like “oh look at your belly”, I then quickly stopped there and told myself “so what, this is natural and this is me. I am strong and healthy. Don’t mind what others think.” I think self love came with age, many may struggle early in their life, but later as they learned more about themselves and the world around them, it might become a part of them. I think it has been an issue for me, but this has been one of the focus that I want to work on for myself for the near future.

 

 

 

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Food reviews

I will never believe food reviews again….. When someone says oh my god this tastes so so good! Best XXX ever! I think to myself, oh I got to try that too!

This happened when I first tried the Quest bar. I heard people rave about it so much online, and when I tried it, I was like WTF, what is this? How is this good?!!

Then it happened when I saw a vegan youtuber review a vegan yogurt, and it happens to be on sale in a local market here, and I bought it, and when I tried it I was like, OK, so this is what awesome taste to you, it doesn’t even taste like yogurt.

People have different opinions on things, and food is one of them. Some people may love avocado and durian, and others will despise those. It is just the way it is and it just goes to show how easily I am influenced by other people’s opinions.

Also, some are getting paid to say good things about products, so I got to watch out!

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Benefits of Ashtanga yoga

I am going to share the differences that I have noticed since I started practicing Ashtanga yoga.

  1. Digestion is better. I noticed a big difference when I started, going to the bathroom never is so easy in the morning, sometimes I didn’t even finish my morning 1L water before I go the the bathroom.
  2. Skin is better. I was reading guruji’s yoga mala, he suggested that any sweat should not be wiped away by towel but be rubbed into the skin, it will make the practitioner stronger. I followed this and felt that my facial skin becomes just gorgeous. Many times after practice when I went to wash my face it is so clean that I almost don’t feel the need to wash. And I don’t use any cleansing product, just some water and that’s it.
  3. Purifying force working inside me. I was having some period issues when I started, and has some dark red discharge for a while, then I started practicing, that discharge is gone and my period is back on track. Also I noticed that I sometimes feel a metallic kind of odor coming from the lung when I am breathing. Not sure what that is, maybe also related to the purifying force and although I don’t understand the asanas enough to say how they are doing the magic, I know that they are designed to cleanse and purify the body. And I can feel that.
  4. Better posture. Before when i was doing heavy lifting in the gym, other times I was just so tired. I don’t even want to hold my body straight. But I always always feel so good after yoga, and I started to have a much better posture, walking with my head high and chest open.
  5. More confidence and acceptance. I don’ t know how this is happening. But I care less what everyone else is doing. I just care about what I am doing and I don’t care that much what others think of me. I learned that what they think of me doesn’t matter but what I think of myself matters the most. And it is their problem what they are thinking of me. I feel like I have better confidence in life generally. I know that I have the ability to do things well, and whichever path I chose I will be fine. And I am even thinking of chasing my dream to work as a fitness trainer. Also, I don’t find weight bothering me much. I just know that I am strong and I am getting fit, and I don’t need a number to identify with. And I will keep getting stronger.

I know that every morning when I am going on the mat, that I will feel so good the rest of the day. And that’s see what this journey of yoga keeps bringing me good stuff.

 

 

 

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Slowly progressing in self love

I have been reading a few books that has helped me with my self image.

the first book is ‘the four agreements’. In that book, I learned that if someone calls you fat or says something that hurt your feelings, you shouldn’t take it personally and really it is their own problems to overcome. I was struggling quite a bit when my father and mother in law says I need to lose weight. And they were saying overweight is related with heart diseases, which I have to say, had some influence on me. And I was thinking to myself, OMG, I could have heart disease if I am like myself now. But I think the real problem is I think I am fat too. I was looking at my own pictures and thinking oh if I lose a few pounds it would look better on the picture. And their saying is just like one more confirmation.

but then I realize this mentality does no good in helping me lose weight. I was crying a lot even when I was losing weight but still heard them asking me while video chatting, did you have too much rice? We think you should eat more meat. I was depressed. And it is almost like when I was video chatting with them I just want to find a good angle to let them know that I have been losing weight.

now that I think about it, I realize that I should be more content with myself. I am not going to be able to please everyone. I know they are coming from a good heart, but if I still take those as ‘I am not good enough’ it is bad for my body and mind.

so I felt like a big burden is relieved that I don’t need to lose weight to please them anymore. I don’t need to change anything, I am just where I need to be right now.

but then I know that whenever I am standing on the scale, if it is a low number, somewhere in my heart I am happy. And just like the past few readings, it gets higher than usual, and I got a bit like: what am I doing wrong? I feel good, I am doing yoga every morning. Period is regular and didn’t feel so moody as it comes. And my little mind start to blame things on random, which I don’t even know relate to the weight gain. It could even just be related to the period.

so I know, that I am not entirely free from the imprisonment of weight on me.

But one good improvement that I realize is that yesterday when I was at a friend’s house, they were trying on the scale and see if the scale is working. Usually, I would be so reluctant to step on the scale in front of others but yesterday I just felt like I can. Everyone is different and I am just what I am. Although it is only a tiny thing, but I noticed the difference in my mindset and I am happy about my change.

i know it is all gradual change but I am seeing it already taking place and I have faith that I am becoming more and more acceptant and content with myself and what I got.

 

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calm and ready

Recently I have been binge listening to “the model health show” podcast, I think Shawn has some really good episodes where he talks about training that really gets my blood pumping for going to the gym, excited to do the workouts, and more importantly, get me to realize the importance of sleep and rest and reduction of stress.

He talked about his morning routine, where I also started to implement to my mornings. 1L of water to inner bath. I feel that this is working great for me, not only did I start doing this first thing in the morning, I also make sure that I drink at least 2 bottles of water at school. I used an app called Strides to keep track of these new habits. This is really helping a lot, coz I want to be able to have a streak of keep doing those things. I also put meditation on the list, which has helped hugely.

Earlier this year, I was really concentrated on doing meditation and was spending about 30min each time to meditate both morning and evening. But I slacked on the physical activity part and got so frustrated with the weight gain. Then I started going back to my workout routine and also started meditate again, but this time, I didn’t spend that long sitting and meditation, I just make sure that everyday I do some meditation. 10min usually. And I can already see what this little tweak has changed my attitude towards the day. I always do a little visualization, reminding myself of the goals that I want to achieve and telling myself I am not giving up until I get there. I also tell myself that today I am going to do everything to the best that I can. And many times, if I get frustrated with myself, I will use the meditation time to distill and think about what is the right way to take a look at things.

I also find that sometimes, when pain comes, I just need to lie there and lie with it and wait until it passes. The other day, I had too much for dinner and I was so frustrated with myself and I was really upset. Usually I would want my husband to say some encouraging words and help comfort me, but that night, I was just lying there, although uncomfortable and really down, I lied there, then fell asleep, and then the next morning during meditation, I told myself that I am determined to make some change to this. And I am seeing good changes already.

I find that many times I put too much food in my plate, and before I can finish the whole plate, I already feel full, then sometimes I told myself I will just finish it anyway, it is not so much more. But every single time, I feel so full that I don’t want to move after the dinner. So I made a note to myself, I need to change this. And I also put this into the list of habit that I want to form into the Strides app. And I know that I want to tick off “controlled dinner” on my list. And I am so happy with the past few days that I am behaving so well. And I am really positive and confident that I really can make those changes long term.

I am happy with the changes that has happened to me recently, and I think I am reducing my stress mindfully, and I am moving through life more gracefully. Like, I can have a vegan French toast for a Saturday morning breakfast, or I can just really take a moment and enjoy the glorious green smoothie bowl with cacao nibs to chew on. How perfect that is. Sometimes we just need to stop and take a moment to appreciate the things we have.

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Reduce stress and enjoy life

There has been some pleasant changes lately. I drink 1L of water directly after I wake up, and then I go to the bathroom, then I meditate on empty stomach, then I have breakfast. I discovered that this works for me the best when it comes to the depth of my meditation.

I have been trying out intermittent fasting for a few days on and off, i want to take it slow, don’t want to overdo it and I felt really good when I fast. But like I said, I don’t want to go too fast and wanted to listen to my body as I go. And I realized that I have to portion my breakfast, if I just eat until I am full, that will be a lot. Oatmeal is a good choice.

I realized that I am the stressful kind of person, on a average day, when nothing is due or anything, I felt a 5-6 out of 10 stressful. So I decided that I really need to take charge of my mental health too. I can eat all the healthy food and do all the exercises, but if I am stressed out mentally, it will not do me any good in the long run.

I do think perseverence is key to success. As with the workouts, I think I will keep doing it until I am really old. If I want to make good change to how my body looks I need to keep pushing it to change. And I fell off track a little bit earlier this year. But this will not happen again.

Although I deeply believe that weights is not everything, I finally decided that I now have a goal weight: 144lb. I will get there. And I don’t want to hurry, I want to take it slow. And when I talk to my friends about fitness, many keep telling me that I need to eat less carbs. Well, I just don’t believe this. And I believe we shouldn’t discriminate any type of nutrients and all are important for good health.

For this week, I feel that I am really making good progress on the stress management. Actually if I try to be mindful, and be on top of what everyday has to offer, I don’t really feel much stressed at all.