I have known from an early age that I always cared what others think of me. I try to be a person that I would think a good person looks like. I share things and give away things because I think a great person would be sharing and caring. I tried to think of others’ feelings before I say or do things, I try not to hurt other people’s feelings. At work, I try to plan my experiments really full on my schedule, so that I will be a hard working employee. And at home, I try to do my best of sharing my responsibility of cooking and chores.
But I find this is repressing the true nature of me. Sometimes I base my decision on how other people would feel and think, rather than whether I really want to do something or not. After starting to teach group fitness classes, I always find myself in the tug of war of whether to go to a class or not, coz sometimes I don’t really want to go, but I feel like I had to go to support and show respect for other instructors. I feel like this can be really energy-draining sometimes, when my intensions are not pure.
And the other day at the meeting for fitness instructors, the head of the department was saying praises to one of a fellow instructor, saying that she is really awesome in that she helps cover a lot of classes when others are caught up in other responsibilities. And I remembered thinking to myself, oh I should start to cover classes for others too! That way I would get praises like that too. But immediately I realized my thinking pattern, and tell myself, no you should not cover classes just because that would make the head happy. I shouldn’t do anything just to make the head think highly of me.
So many times, when I am faced with decision of what to do, I immediately came to the frame of “what would a good person do” instead of “what do I want to do”. It has become a habbit and I had to really be careful of it to not to fall into the old patterns.
My husband on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care so much about what others think. He has his own opinions, not afraid to share his true thoughts and mostly just a really happy person that lives by his own values rather than others’ values.