I was back home in China for my wedding for 2 weeks. During this time, around 5 people told me that I am gaining weight and I need to lose the weight. About the same number of people told me I am taller and thinner. The problem is I believe that I have definitely become fatter.
First off, I wasn’t exercising as regularly this year as before. I was spending a lot of time doing meditation, I knew that I need to find a balance between movement and still, but for the time being, I was just slacking on the exercise. Fortunately, I was running a half marathon race and a 10k race earlier, which doesn’t make me a total fail in exercise.
Then, I started my youtube channel, which features me eating all kinds of delicious staff. I was eating a lot of bread and nut butter. I was going through jars of nut butters really quickly.
Then, I realized that I had gained some weight, and I just completely gave up, and had the thought that I would gain weight and look fat for the wedding, but that’s the plan, so that after I lose the weight later, people would say, ah! you have lost a lot of weight! It is all in my mind, that I get all stressed out about the wedding and the eating got a little bit out of control, I would eat a lot for dinner, and then have some snack almost every day.
Then, what’s worse is that, I thought that I am over eating disorder. But apparently my relationship with food is not as healthy as I had thought, which made me even mad and more prone to binge eating. I don’t think I have any episodes that could be called binge eating, but I did gain a few pounds over the half year.
At home, after I heard my family telling me to lose weight, I feel really unhappy, I cried 3 times just in this 2 week period at home. It hurts when I think I am not good enough. My family just wants me to be better, right?
I wasn’t eating to my full capacity at home. And I really think I need to make some changes with my eating, especially for dinner, not too much food!
It is pretty depressing when this coincides with my wedding. Everything appears to be happy and merry, but deep down, I was feeling lost, not loved, not enough. And my parents want to convince me to eat meat again. And people tell me that I got even more tanned than last time, which I know in their mind is not a good thing.
I need to listen to my body more and observe closely.
On my plane back to the states, I was thinking about how badly I want to lose the weight permanently. Thinking about things I would do after arriving. And I couldn’t sleep.
But I know I am healthy. I know different people have different body type. But some part of me just wants to lose all the weight and be a skinny girl and not to worry about it any more. I am really sick of me thinking about weight and eating all the time. It has been a really long time since I am like this anxious about my weight.
I am pretty fit according to American standards, but when it comes to Chinese standards, I am big. My mother in law says I need to lose weight, or when I have a baby I will be even heavier and bigger and hard to lose the weight. My aunt told me the exact same thing. When 2 people told me the same thing, I believed it and let it really sink in.
My mom and dad don’t see any problem with my weight, they didn’t mention it at all, except when someone says i am fat, mom says as long as I am healthy, size doesn’t matter. My dad thinks I am actually losing weight, but was also kind of surprised when I told him I am 70kg.
And for one meal, my brother was constantly advising me to eat slowly. So many times during the meal! I was kind of sad inside, but didn’t express it. He meant good. But I took it too seriously.
Before all this, I had believed that I am good with my size, and it should be my size. And actually, even after they said I am fat, I still think I am pretty good, not my slimmest, but still good. I belived my body will stay at whichever weight that is best for it to function. And after all, my period has become more on time than ever this year.
My husband is supporting through all this, he says you need to monitor your weight. But at the same time, don’t stress about it. But sometimes, he accidentally made fun of my weight in front of family members, which embarrassed me on the inside although I didn’t act like so.
Before the wedding, my mother in law didn’t say anything, but the next day after the wedding, she came and asked whether I ate a lot of carbs and said I gained weight and I should lose them. I got really stressed and the next day I got some cold sores on my lips.
There are happy times for the trip too. Obviously the wedding. I have 5 friends coming over from all over the country to attend my wedding. And after the ceremony, we talked for hours. Which feels really close and intimate.
I am really lucky that I got my husband. We are from the same background, parents are from similar background, and we are well complement to each other.
It is just annoying that I am thinking about weight staff almost all the time, and this leaves everything else little space. But this is just me. I have to accept myself like this.