So yesterday I had a little mental meltdown before I went to bed. I was practicing ukulele when JB was out teaching a late class, I was playing ‘Creep’ by radiohead. It was a pretty good session. The B chord was making me suffer a little bit, but I had some good shouting during the session. Then JB came back. I wanted to play for him, and he asked, for how long. And he reluctantly put his phone away. I was a little disappointed. But played anyway. After that, I was getting ready for bed.
And it started.
I was feeling ignored by him. Lately he has been reading novels on his phone all the time. After waking up, when going to bathroom, while waiting for the dinner to be served, basically every single minute that he doesn’t have to do anything else. I was thinking why is it that I want to do something with you all the time, and you are just fine doing your own thing, and it is even better if I don’t disturb you. And it goes.
While I was sobbing, I came to remember something that I read long before. It is some thing like: “You guys can be companions, or partners along the way, share your thoughts and feelings, share your wounds and excitement, but your path is your path, his path is his path, you guys are still alone for your own path.” I should be reminding myself of this.
I told him my thoughts, he promised he will spend more time with me, or at least thinking about things to do together. I suggest he plays some instrument too. He suggests that he can help me edit my youtube videos. I was good.
When I think about it, we choose what we believe. If I keep telling myself, oh he loves his game more than me, he loves the novels more than me, then I am going to believe it. And even if what is happening is not really a proof of how he doesn’t give me enough attention, if I want to find the proof, it will be everywhere and everything. If I had a belief, I would have every instinct and sensibility to find proof for that belief.
Rather than doing that, I would tell myself: JB loves me more than anything. If I come up with anything to do, he would most likely cheerfully do it with me. And if he is just constantly checking on his phone, I would just take him as a little child, really fascinated by the phone and games and stuff. And I would take that time to do something on my own, develop my own interests, or rather find something exciting to do it together with him. Everyone needs some alone time, whenever he is doing his thing, I let it be.
I remembered the time that I was practicing my ukulele, he was lying on the couch reading on his phone, and whenever I stopped, he would cheerfully nod and gave me a smile, it is just so perfect. I was not bothered by the fact that he is reading on the phone, and I could see the appreciation and love coming from him.
So it is all a mental game. If I had a bad belief, then it is going to manifest itself in an ugly way. If I had a healthy and positive belief, it is going to bring joy to my life. Oh my brain, how long have you played me like this and I would not let you do this anymore! HELL NO!