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Mental Breakdown

So yesterday I had a little mental meltdown before I went to bed. I was practicing ukulele when JB was out teaching a late class, I was playing ‘Creep’ by radiohead. It was a pretty good session. The B chord was making me suffer a little bit, but I had some good shouting during the session. Then JB came back. I wanted to play for him, and he asked, for how long. And he reluctantly put his phone away. I was a little disappointed. But played anyway. After that, I was getting ready for bed.

And it started.

I was feeling ignored by him. Lately he has been reading novels on his phone all the time. After waking up, when going to bathroom, while waiting for the dinner to be served, basically every single minute that he doesn’t have to do anything else. I was thinking why is it that I want to do something with you all the time, and you are just fine doing your own thing, and it is even better if I don’t disturb you. And it goes.

While I was sobbing, I came to remember something that I read long before. It is some thing like: “You guys can be companions, or partners along the way, share your thoughts and feelings, share your wounds and excitement, but your path is your path, his path is his path, you guys are still alone for your own path.” I should be reminding myself of this.

I told him my thoughts, he promised he will spend more time with me, or at least thinking about things to do together. I suggest he plays some instrument too. He suggests that he can help me edit my youtube videos. I was good.

When I think about it, we choose what we believe. If I keep telling myself, oh he loves his game more than me, he loves the novels more than me, then I am going to believe it. And even if what is happening is not really a proof of how he doesn’t give me enough attention, if I want to find the proof, it will be everywhere and everything. If I had a belief, I would have every instinct and sensibility to find proof for that belief.

Rather than doing that, I would tell myself: JB loves me more than anything. If I come up with anything to do, he would most likely cheerfully do it with me. And if he is just constantly checking on his phone, I would just take him as a little child, really fascinated by the phone and games and stuff. And I would take that time to do something on my own, develop my own interests, or rather find something exciting to do it together with him. Everyone needs some alone time, whenever he is doing his thing, I let it be.

I remembered the time that I was practicing my ukulele, he was lying on the couch reading on his phone, and whenever I stopped, he would cheerfully nod and gave me a smile, it is just so perfect. I was not bothered by the fact that he is reading on the phone, and I could see the appreciation and love coming from him.

So it is all a mental game. If I had a bad belief, then it is going to manifest itself in an ugly way. If I had a healthy and positive belief, it is going to bring joy to my life. Oh my brain, how long have you played me like this and I would not let you do this anymore! HELL NO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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self talk Queen

OK so I am being a little dramatic in the title there. I will never in a million years call myself queen.

One big change I have realized in myself is that I finally start to be able to talk myself out of anxiety, anger and stress. The thread for this begins with my trip back to China. I was gaining a few pounds, and I fell really stressed out after coming back to the states. Not only because of the weight, but also because of some visa issues which had delayed my trip for 3 weeks. I was thinking in my head, I am going to lose the weight so fast coz I will be eating clean as I want to be. But then it just didn’t happen.

And I start to think about this weight issues. It seems to me that many people, if not all people are struggling with weight issues. I have friends who want to put on weight but can never manage to do it and would brag about it. I have friends who are looking so good to me complains to have put on weight and really want to lose it. I always assure them that they are looking great, because they do. But they told me that other people have told them so. Some are very skinny and tiny, but they are being very harsh with comments on other people’s body. Even Katy Perry didn’t escape the critics. There are friends who would say that they will go to the gym with me, but it never happens. We are in a culture that we are programmed to accept that we should all ┬ábe like the models that we see in instagram pictures.

I actually have a lot to say about weight issues. But I found myself not so convincing when I say them, because you know, I am not the ideal body type. But is it reasonable to let the models talk about body image, self love? It just doesn’t help, does it?

At the beginning of my vegan lifestyle, at the point where I am still deciding when to let my friends know that I am vegan, I was a little stressed out. I kept thinking to myself, what would they think about my decision. Will they think it is because I want to lose weight so badly that I decide to go “extreme”? Will they secretly think to themselves: ‘but she doesn’t even look like a vegan, vegans are skinny, aren’t they?’ It almost seems to me that I should be all the best to be a good representation of this lifestyle. I was putting too much on myself.

Around fall 2015, I was really starting to stuff myself with knowledge about vegan lifestyle, watching documentaries, finding youtubers, watching recipe videos. To one point, I was having my morning oatmeal, and thinking to myself, why are they having so many delicious food, but not me. But NO! I was having oatmeal, exactly the same as so many of vegans do for their breakfast, and it is perfect! I was just caught in the pattern that I would watch what other people are doing, but failed to pay attention to what I have. It all seem so glamorous on videos what those trendy youtubers have. But when I am having my oatmeal, I wasn’t even enjoying it, the whole time I was thinking to myself, oh my life sucks, I would want to be like them youtubers too.

I realize how bad and wrong this thought is. And I decide to go without youtube in December. It turns out pretty good. One thing it did is that it reminds me to be mindful in my own life and not get caught in other people’s life. And about the weight issues, I was still having that few pounds on my body, but I start to look at my body in a different way. I was thinking through out the years that I was struggling about my weight issues, I always come back to this weight, and actually it is not overweight or anything like that. It means that my body is just good with maintaining this. And I am happy with it. I can feel the muscles in my legs and my arms. I am capable of doing long runs like half marathon, I can do long rides of 3h. I am happy where I am.

A friend of mine once told me, your legs would be better if they are trimmed half. Of course vertically, he added. I don’t want to cause any fight, so I just laughed it off. But seriously I was thinking to myself, who are you to judge. It is my legs. I work to have those muscles on there, who are you to say that they are to be trimmed off.

Along my journey, sometimes people comment, oh you lost so much weight. But let’s be honest, who cares after that one comment. Everybody goes to live their own life. Everybody has their own business to worry about. And if I am doing all sorts of bad things to my body, like working out too long, eating too little, just to get one compliment like that, is it even worth it. NO! And of all those years of my weight gain and loss, my parents don’t love me less or more, my fiancee doesn’t love me less or more. They love me because of the person I am, not because I look like a model.

This is all a process, I understand. I have listened to other people preach about positive body image over the years, but the change has to come from within. I was so happy when I looked at my old pictures and say to myself, oh this is too skinny I don’t want that! Because that’s my true feelings and I am proud of this kind of thought. Not “OH see I look so much better when I am 10 pounds smaller”. I was proud that I have this idea popping out when I look at those pictures. And this would lead to better self image thinking patterns.

We just need to have a grownup in our mind. Telling ourselves, It is gonna be OK.

All are going to pass. This will only be a blink of an eye in my life time. I am going to feel better even my talk isn’t selected to be presented. I am not going to be annoyed by other people’s decisions. I am just taking it slow and be compassionate with myself. Good for her, not for me!

All is going to get better and better. I have faith.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Born Rich

I was watching Born Rich program on youtube lately, and I was influenced by the concepts in their lecture.
We are all born with all the resources that we need to have abundance in our life, to do whatever we want to do. Along the line of growing up, we have been programmed or taught to believe that we are not capable of the things we want. It is detrimental, coz all your belief system is limiting the things that you think, the words that you say, and the things that you do. As a result, we firmly believe we are not worthy of the things we want.

And if we are content with where we are now, you are not going to be better. If we are not getting better, we are doomed to stay at one place, or even get worse.

I now know that, I would be the one to control my own feelings.

Sometimes I get angry from my boyfriend’s choices, then I decided that, everyone has their own preference and choices, and we are not to be influenced, or get mad from them. We should just accept. After I had this thought, I found myself less bothered by our different opinions.

IT is just a decision that we have to make for ourselves. If you decide to be angry, then you most probably will. If you decide to just take things as they are, then you are free.

So in this way, we can decide what becomes our subconscious mind. If we say one thing many times enough, your subconscious mind will accept it. Just as what we have been told by society all these years we are growing up.

And I decide that I will love myself for who I am. Give myself a pat on the shoulder. Accept and love my body as it is. And here it comes, I start to really believe in this.

I was waiting to get the result of whether I am going to be giving a talk at a conference, at first, I was not sure. Then I decided, I am going to believe and act as if I am going to get the talk. Then I did. Belief might just be the most potent source of energy to get you the things you want.

Think Big. I believe I can do anything I want.

 

 

 

 

 

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Would you put down the phone?

You like to post instagram pictures.

You like to read novels on your phone.

You like to watch animals vs human videos on youtube.

You love to play computer games.

 

You love me too.

You filled the hot patch for me and put it in after I fall asleep.

You gave me the better looking sweet potato.

You always let me eat your noodles after I finished mine.

You are bubbly and cheerful even after I gave you my cold.

You are carefree.

 

But you check your phone all the time.

Like it had sucked the soul out of you.

When you are waiting for me in the car.

When you are using the bathroom.

When you are waiting for the dinner being cooked.

After I fall asleep.

 

And I woke up, and you seemed startled.

I can scream “What are you doing sneaky!”

I have done that.

I can also pretend to not care a bit and be cheerful.

But this bothers me.

If we are living in the same room and I still feel lonely from time to time.

 

I can drag you to do things with me.

Go biking, hiking.

But once we are home again, you pick up your phone.

Like that is your thread of life to connect the dots.

I can convince myself to admire you for the love to read.

I don’t read that much.

 

But I need more time with you.

Not just watching TV shows during meal time.

I want to share more with you.

I want to talk more with you.

 

They say: you can’t change other people.

The will to change has to come from within.

Sometimes I decided to wait it out.

But you fall into your routine of playing games and sleeping late.

We are different.

I want to do things to make my days count.

I want to go running, go biking, read books, find jobs, improve myself.

You are perfectly happy just relaxing and hanging out with your phone in bed.

I jump out of bed once I open my eyes 5AM in the morning excited to start the day.

You would much prefer lying around.

 

I guess I need some of your qualities.

I need to relax.

But I feel my urge to let others know about me.

I feel that I am all by myself.

If my most important thing in life is you, I would want to do everything with you.

But you are perfectly fine when I am asleep, you can do your things without disturbance then.

 

There is something fundamentally wrong with my thinking I know.

If it is phone or me, you would choose me I know.

But if you are not confronted with the choice, you are just happy the way you are.

 

I convince myself that I need to develop more things to do on my own.

I pick up a ukulele and I play.

But there is only so much ukulele I can play before my fingers suffer.

I pick up a book and read.

But I can only read for so long before my head hurts.

 

In my mind, there are:

breakfast, food, lab work, what do I cook for dinner, how much should I run, what new recipes shall I try out, start a youtube channel.

I am not sure what’s in your mind.

And this bothers me.

 

Technology is to be used by us.

We shall not be the slave for technology.

Please stop stuffing information in.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we live without electronics for a few days.

Just like the good old days.

 

Would you put down the phone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The person that I am and will be.

I am independent. I have my own opinion on things. I will not follow what everyone else is doing or saying. I am firm in my own belief. I don’t ask others for approval. I do what I decide is good.

I am appreciative of things in life. Food, I eat it slowly. I taste its flavor. I don’t eat excess. I am aware of how my stomach feels the whole time. Music, book, movie, I enjoy and I can share with people why I like each piece because I have deep thoughts about them. I don’t over-do the either. Great work is to be cherished. Not devoured, not consumed.

I don’t get angry from what others do or say to me. I control what I feel. I can stand in others’ shoes and see what it is coming from. We are the same at hearts. I am compassionate of other people’s feelings.

I love to connect with people. I am not afraid to speak up first. I like to take on challenges. I like to take risk for what I want. I believe I can achieve anything I want. I am able to make this life beautiful and wonderful.