When I came to the states in 2012, I have had some rough times for my mental health, been hospitalized, and recovered from the trauma with running, food and meditation. I perceive myself as a forgetful person. Past experiences, however strongly I felt at that point, I find myself peaceful with the experience, and go on and get concentrated and overwhelmed with just what is going on right now. I don’t talk to old school friends much, to some degree also because of some bad memories around college graduation time, things just got ugly when I am drunk and don’t sleep. I said horrible things to some of my best friends in college after they out of nowhere turned their back on me. It is funny how I am kind to and liked by my classmates for the most part of college when Bam! Everybody I cared thinks I am a bad person.
I also think I am a person who always want to settle things. If someone is not OK with me, I’d like to know why and try to communicate, you know, to solve problems. But turns out, not everything can be solved and some people just don’t go together. So I kept calm and moved on and stopped trying.
There are several important people in my earlier days that influence me a lot. I remembered after I transferred to a new class, nobody really knows me and some people just started hanging out with me. They are awesome people, and I had no idea why they chose to study together with me and staff. I am just a kind person. I treat well people that no one cares for.
I don’t talk to those important people in my life anymore, it ended bad, but whenever I thought about those innocent days, I still remembered so vividly and have gratitude and a smile in my heart.
For me, 2012-2015 are some drastic changes. I battled with Eating disorder, now in remission, started meditation, commit to vegan lifestyle, started to practice minimalism, culturing love for my body, just having more awareness for my body and also for the world around me. I find myself not so stable in mood when the holiday comes. It is happening this year too. Even though I have decided not to go anywhere, but when all my friends are leaving town, I panicked a little bit.
But I can see a happier and grown me in the future. I know this is the right way. The right way doesn’t mean it will be flowers and rainbows all the way, there could also be thrones and dark times, but I have firm belief that I am on the right path.
So since I am not leaving town as most of my friends do for this Christmas. I am staying home, with my beloved fiancee. After all, that’s all I need. Then I came up with ideas for Christmas tradition. Not sure I will be doing them all, but just coming up with so many interesting ideas just make me excited. The bucket list is like this:
- One Christmas movies(or not) a day till the new year’s eve.
- One cuisine a day homecooking including but not limited to Korean, Indian, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, trying out new recipes, vegan, from scratch. Best idea or what!!!
- Visit parks on sunny days.
- Biking together. (JB suggested midnight biking, biking without lunch, yeah sure, I overruled.
- Pick up yoga.
- Clean up room and make it more comfy and cozy.
Not so shabby~ I think this will be a real awesome Christmas without mindlessly spending so much money, eating too much food and getting anxious and guilty before the new year.