I am an early-bed-early rise person, everytime someone learns that I go to bed around 9-10 and get up 5am, they just says: oh you are so healthy. I like it this way because I think the time in the morning is so precious and amazing that I want to spend it meaningfully and by my self.
It has been a little rough coming into December. I was hooked on Youtube. Since I became vegan, I started to binge on all the vegan youtube channels, I love to watch “What I ate in a day” videos, recipe videos, and all others concerning veganism, I guess because I was in the phase of trying to consuming all the information that I see in sight.
Then I realized that I was so unsatisfied with my own life watching others. The mental state was that they are living the life of their dream and they are way better than me. I find myself not getting excited for my morning oatmeal, or curry that I make. When anything is on youtube, they just look so much fancier than real life. I just lost the mindfulness in my everyday life. It is like my life has been sucked into watching these videos. Not cool.
So I made the decision to go in December without youtube. So far so good. I was switching my attention somewhere else, making my first video just for fun, listening to 《Big Magic》on audible, catching up on podcasts, cleaning the room.
But doing one thing doesn’t mean you will solve the problem. I always tell myself, veganism is not the final answer, it is a way to the final answer. I shouldn’t expect it to sort out everything for me.
And so, I was feeling kind of low these past 2 days. It is kind of strange, coz I have been doing tons of experiments which usually make me happy. If I have to blame something, it would be the fact that I was looking at others going out for Christmas trips and I was still working in the lab. It is like I am conditioned to compare with others growing up. I want to rank first at school, I want to be the one person that is so disciplined to workout everyday. And for this Christmas, I had decided we will not go on any long trips, maybe just a short day trip somewhere, but mainly stay in town. I think Christmas shouldn’t be about spending money, and if I go for a trip because everybody else is doing it, I probably shouldn’t do that.
When I think about it, last Christmas was pretty good memory. My boyfriend and I was in Atlanta, staying in a 4-star hotel without Internet access, going for crazy long walks in the rain, visiting the plantation, eating sushi buffet. If I have to summarize the things that has to do with a good Christmas, it would be to be with my boyfriend. Like the song”All I want for Christmas is you”. When I look at it, it is sure fun to find out about another city or town, going to tourist sites and trying new restaurants, but going for a walk in park next door is just much more relaxing than traveling. Driving long hours can be a pain, and it is like everywhere you go you have to pay the entrance tickets. And what I had in mind for this Christmas is 12 days of movies. And maybe some decorations to make our apartment all Christmasy. And some good home cooked food. Some hot cocoa maybe, and watching Friends.
But when the time comes around when everybody is gone, you are in the lab alone doing experiments all day without anyone talking to you. I just feel bad. I start to doubt my decision to stay in town.
What is Christmas to me anyway? I never celebrate it when I was back in China. It almost feels like pressure to do something really really special so it is well spent. Christmas 2012, on a cruise, stuffing myself gaining 10lbs afterwards, didn’t help with the eating disorder. Christmas 2013, in New York, worrying about my future in my mom’s friend’s house with a bunch of people who don’t even know me. Christmas 2014, Atlanta, with my boyfriend, happy. And then I realized that what is the most important for me in my life. Yesterday even in my most unhappy thoughts, I still find my boyfriend so cheerful and pleasant.
I was almost finishing <Big Magic> by Elizabeth Gilbert, who also wrote <eat, pray, love>. I love this book. I was encouraged to be the creative person, creating my own little projects just for fun. If someone likes it, awesome, but if nobody likes it, too bad. I simply can’t rely on others’ reaction to be happy. I have to enjoy the process itself. And when an idea struck, I should hold on to it, treat it like a royal, show my determination, and only then will it blossom to a creation.
In this household, I am always the one that is crying or sobbing, and my boyfriend is there to comfort me. He is just carefree and happy. I, on the other hand, am heavy and too much thinking. But it is my journey. “I know that it’s mine no matter what I do, I know that it’s mine whether I win or lose, and even though my heart needs to take its time, I know that it is mine.”
Happy Christmas everybody! I wish everyone a happy new year!!!