I remembered some time ago I saw a youtube ad with a person claiming to rise from nobody to a man who owns so much. I finished the ad, then I was lead to a website, basically he was trying to sell his program. I was trying to decide whether to buy it. So I googled the review for that, turned out that man is a scam. And sure I kept receiving sales emails from him after I put my email in not really thinking about what it would mean.
I was just shocked by the fact that I am so easily baited. I was that close to buying the program, and when I think about it, you could feel the salesperson tone for this man, which is quite obvious.
I guess it is because I am so eager to be happy, be content with myself, achieve great things and do what I love and earn money. Everything I could have ever possibly want. And when you are desperate and eager, you become the easy bait.
People are looking forward to life hacks, “if you eat this diet, you will lose 10 pounds in one week.” “If you read this book, it will change your life and you will become rich.””If you do my meditation program, you will find your inner peace and be mindful in your daily life.”
But no, it doesn’t work that way.
I found people on social media who only eat fruits, “fruitarian”, I found people who eat a huge amount of rice. I know people who are on banana island. I follow them, finding myself to love those things more because all those fancy people are eating them. Coconut sugar? Well freelee eats it so it must be good.
I remembered I don’t eat a lot of potatoes before I went vegan, I thought they are empty calories. I don’t eat much rice either. Coz carbs are bad, right? Now I feast on them. Mind can change, big time.
Now I recognize those moments of me wanting the same things that others are eating or using. I paused, asked myself why, then the eagerness subside. It is human nature, I just need to recognize it, watch it come, wait for it to go. I need more thinking in for my easily-washed brain.
I was feeling a little stressed lately. After I came to the states and started celebrating the Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have always been not so happy when November and December comes around.
One reason is that I eat more when winter comes and the weather is colder, it results in weight gain, it leads to my stress. Two, i guess it is the time that you review your year and look forward to the next year, and I am more of a person to find faults with myself rather than make peace and praise my achievements.
I was just about to say that: oh boy, finally this year I am free of holiday stress!!! But no it came on as a blow.
During a previous post I talked about how I hided my identity as a vegan for quite some time since I became one around May. Then I met another vegan and we talked about how we are dealing with our identity issues. We don’t want to be a pain-in-the-butt-hard-to-please vegan. We thought we are putting stress on others. But at the end of the talk I realized that I need to change the situation and then I did. I opened up and started opening up to my close friends that I made my choice to become a vegan.
Since that, I have friends who didn’t react much, they are not close friends to be honest, but I just appreciate the fact that they don’t judge, at least in front of me and I felt like I am making my own choices and it doesn’t bother them. I have friends who tried to deny the cruelty that is happening in animal agriculture, he said what I saw is the worst of all, but not all slaughterhouse is like that. I felt like this is not even the logic, and I didn’t really defend. I have friend who is a little bit concerned that I might be deficient in some nutrients if I don’t eat meat, but they agreed on the possibility of eating less meat. After all, my boyfriend has been really supportive all the way although he has no intention whatsoever to become a vegan himself. I stopped cooking meat for him and he is OK with that.
Then I had a nightmare of losing all my teeth one by one and holding them in my mouth. I had the same dream one time before, it was just miserable. Such a long and vivid dream. My father was in it, my mom, my sister. But no one really helped me take care of my teeth, they just kept eating their dinner. And I was trying to be considerate and not causing any trouble for them by holding all my fallen teeth in, waiting for them to finish their meal and attend to me.
Losing teeth is a sign of stress and drastic changes in life. Since I opened up about my identity, I was trying to be a “better” vegan. I was about to buy some dark chocolate then decided no, because there is milk in it. I was thinking what would people think when I am not as skinny as other ambassadors for vegan. I can’t get ill after I become vegan, people would blame veganism for this. I shouldn’t be unhappy with myself or my life coz if I am eating all the right food what could go wrong. I should bring some really fancy looking food to potlucks because if I just bring potatos and carrots curry that I eat all the time, people would think vegan are boring.
Truth is, expectations just lead to disappointment. And vegan is not the final answer like if I got it correct then I got everything fixed. It is not the magic pill. You are still a human, you get ill, your mood changes. And the best thing I can do is to be myself. And that would be the best representation.
After all, it is my life, my body. And it is what I perceive my body and my life that is important. And there is so much more to being vegan than food, there is so much on being compassionate for all beings. It is love.
Peace, plants, namaste.