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OK so I suck at this, but I will keep doing it.

The thing is I am not as passionate as I want to be about my job.

Then I came up with this mentality.

When I began to run, I suck. I remembered very clearly that I hate every single minute of running. I only get the sense of accomplishment after running, but man, while I was running, that was total suffering. Period. I told my friend, I have been running for such a long time, and I haven’t seen any improvement, I still pant so hard, I still suffer.

But now, after 7 years, I say, I enjoy running. I start to get the beauty of it. The active meditation part of the story. There was even a point that I decided I would not run any long distances anymore. But I went back, I stick with it, and then I found the breakthrough. Now I think of it as a way to release my stress, and I genuinely enjoyed the process.

Then I realized that I can apply to my job too. I have to admit that I suck at it. So what? I will keep doing it just as I did with running. I just stick with it. And that’s see what happens.

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Amy Winehouse–the documentary

Yesterday I went to watch the documentary Amy.

She is so raw, true to herself, and she doesn’t care for becoming famous. She said once:”I wouldn’t be famous, I don’t think I would be able to handle it”. Yet life plays a joke on her and she won the Grammy Awards.

She said:”Boy I can sing!”, her body guard said “Of course you can!”, “I would give it back if I could just walk down that street without a hustle.” She is just not meant to be famous, she just needs time to do her thing in music, but this world is not giving her time.

She was struggling with alcohol, bulimia and drugs at the same time. I could imagine any single one of those problems would destroy such a sensitive person. She was so delightful, so pleasant, always making jokes. But then she was consumed by the demons. Even her father took advantage of her to make TV shows when she was still recovering. She was so alone.

The concert that she was supposed to sing at, she had no intention or any desire to sing at that point, and she refused to sing. She got booed. She was like a frightened girl. She was. It was like she didn’t care any more. Even on the day when she received the Grammy Awards, she told her friend, this is no good without the drugs.

RIP. All my respects.

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VEGAN style.

I went vegan around May 2015, and although my parents is not fully supporting this, I don’t think I will go back to eat animal product.

It is for health concerns: meat and animal product is not meant for our body, we are not meat eaters, take a look at tigers, they have jaws that bite, but we have mouth that can chew, which is meant for plant eating. Not to mention real meat eaters don’t need to cook their meat.

It is for environmental protection: animal agriculture is using up so much water, land, causing deforestation, and producing so much waste. It will use 50 gallons of water just to produce 1 gallon of milk.

It is for ending cruelty: There is no such thing as humane killing, all animals in slaughter house are killed, they are robbed of their right to live and they are bred just to be killed, they even have no ability to protect themselves against this. None of them are treated well, they are being injected with sperms, their horns torn off, their beaks cut off, their tails cut off, they are in so much pain and horror. We can’t ignore these facts even if we have the tradition of eating meat and the notion that we are higher in evolution and if we have the means to control and eat them, we should.

Don’t think vegan means salad all day every day. No, almost every single dish you can possibly crave, there is a vegan version of it. And as myself, a foodie, turned vegan, I realized that there are so many vibrant fruits and vegetables that I can eat. And once I change the mindset that I need to eat all those meat to get proteins, to maintain my ¬†muscle mass, I don’t feel the need to eat them again. I can get all the proteins that I need from plants too.

Let’s go vegan style.

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Am I passionate about my job?—the century old question.

Many people would want to have a job that they are passionate about. I would too. And truth is, I don’t need to quit my job to do what I love to do. Think of your current job as a way to support your dream. You are earning money to realize your dream and you can do whatever you want with your free time to achieve your goals. Just start with something small, and see what results they would lead to. And often times, we are just complaining about our job and worrying about not being able to do what we love, but at the same time, we are wasting all the time we could spend to do something we really love to do.

And if I take a close look and examine what I do with my free time, I can see that I am not really devoting my free time to my own creative power. And often times, I get consumed by the fear of the uncertainty. I am afraid that the major that I am in is hard for me to find a job, I am afraid that even I got a job, I might not be passionate about it. I am afraid I am being loose with my workout schedule, I am afraid that I am eating too much, I am afraid that I would gain weight.

All that fear is shutting down my ability to enjoy life for the now.

I start to talk myself into loving my body, and be proud of what my body can do rather than how it look like. It is my own journey. Everyone is on their own journey. I will just take it slow.

They say addiction is coming out from fear, or traumatized experience when one was a child. This made me settled for a bit in the heart. We are all different, we are the results of environment, Don’t compare myself to others.

Be centered. Look within. Breathe.